“For grief is just love squaring up to its oldest enemy, and after all these mortal human years, love is up to the challenge.” -Kate Braestup
Single mothers who have lost their partners are a special type of strong. It’s a loss that flips your world upside down, makes it hard to breathe, a daily struggle. I didn’t know hurt like that before. Not only hurting for my own loss, but ultimately for my daughter, who would never know her father. I lose my words when trying to explain the heartache that I feel when I think about my little girl, who deserves the entire world, will be missing one of the most essential people in her life.
Anger Into Gratitude
My daughter lost her daddy before she was even born. He never got to hold her, he never got to kiss her, he never got to see his own flesh and blood here on earth. We lost him on August 2, 2017 to a heroin overdose. I was angry, I still get angry. How could he give up the beautiful life that he created? How could he abandon us? The fact is, he never meant to. I have to constantly remind myself how he was going to be such an amazing father. I have to remember how excited, committed, and supportive he was. Being angry at him is the easy way out. I slowly turned that anger into gratitude. I could never thank him enough because although he created so much sadness and hurt, he more importantly created so much love, joy, and life for me. He gave me the most beautiful gift I have ever received, my beautiful daughter. Anger still pops up often, but all I have to do is look at my daughters face (who looks exactly like him), and it is impossible to stay angry.
Regret Into Opportunity
I have so much regret, so many things I wish I could take back. When someone passes away, my first thought is always “I could have done something.”. I know now that I could not have saved him. I think about what I should have or could have done. I think about all the words and actions that I wish I could take back. I wish I had shown him more love and affection, I would have done things so differently. There was a lesson in that.
One of my closest friends had lost her boyfriend, and our long time friend a few years back. She has taught me so much about loss and love. She taught me that the only cure to regret is to take the opportunity to love. My friend loves so openly and so unconditionally now because that loss taught her to do that. Tomorrow with someone is never promised and she told me “I never want to feel that way again, so I just love as much as I can now.”
Loss Into Love
I worried about her growing up without a father, because I have no idea where I would be in life if I didn’t have my dad. I would fear the day that my daughter would realize that she doesn’t have a father. I thought about how I could explain it to her without hurting her. I don’t think like that today, I don’t want to shelter her from that. I want her to know exactly who her father is and how much he loved her. I want her to ask questions because I want her to know everything about him. I want her to admire and love for him. I don’t have to worry about her not being loved because she is so loved by everyone who meets her. She has her grandfather who will protect her to no end. She has amazing men around her that love her unconditionally. They will never replace her Dad or the love that he was going to give her, but out of the loss, love always triumphs.